.

Twelve hours ago I was 95% certain that I was going to move to Austin. I was ready to put money down. Mentally packing in my head. Figuring out when to tell work, checking prices on rental vans, and marking down dates to leave Lincoln. I felt so good about everything, about the whole world.

Upon waking up this morning, it is the last thing I want to do. Suddenly moving to Austin does not feel right, I am not excited, formerly good options sound bad, and I am back to square one. I do not want to stay in Lincoln, but I feel like I have no safe place to go.

I'm afraid. I'm very afraid that this is the seasons talking already. That I will have moments like this one that turn into days, and the days will come more often, and then it will be fall and winter and every day will feel scary and sad and out of control again. I am not ready for this. This is the loneliest and most terrifying place, and I have to go here every year, and it doesn't seem fair.

It is bad for me to stay in Lincoln. How can I go through another winter? How can I screw up another job, alienate more friends, and risk everything, all over again?

I hope this has something to do with being sick in bed for days, unable to eat anything or drink enough water, and not having much to do. I hope tomorrow I'm ready to move again. I hope I can be strong and unafraid enough to take a leap and find out where I land.