Body Wars
And then there's me, Katie, size 16 mind in a size 8 body. I'll spare you the photo.
I'm at the higher-end of normal on the body-mass index scale. Not underweight, not overweight. I eat mostly fresh, organic, whole, vegetarian foods, in spite of my lust for grilled chicken and cheese of any variety. I ride my bike nearly every day.
So why is it that I am conscious of every single bite of food that I put in my mouth? Why do I know that I would need to lose 35 pounds in order to be considered "underweight" on that BMI scale? Why is it that I compare my body size to every woman I see? And why, when the tag on my jeans says size 8, do I feel so disgusted when I look in the mirror?
I don't know where this concept of beauty came from. I was quite sheltered as a child, so can I really blame the media when I only got to watch Sesame Street and Full House? I don't know how to retrain my mind from thinking that the only way I can be pretty enough, good enough, is to lose ten more pounds and be able to see the bones in my neck and knees.
I want to be beautiful because this morning I rode my bike to the farmer's market, because I'm a member of a co-op, because I grow an herb garden on my windowsill, because I'm knitting all my Christmas gifts this year, because I brew my own beer at home, because I've won a wine sales competition at work two months in a row now, because I woke up today to NPR on the radio, because I don't own a TV, because I recycle, because my customers know my name, because I host couchsurfers on a regular basis, and because I write letters to strangers.
I don't know how to get rid of the desire for my jeans to feel looser every time I pull them on. I'm sure that that isn't want makes me valuable, though. Now I just have to figure out how to make myself really believe it.
Tell me--what is it that makes you beautiful?
Labels:
Musings
8 comments:
media is the problem.
there is a book that i read once, or twice or three times.
The book as a whole has nothing to do with the subject, but one particular part really opened my eyes.
It's a book called 'the eagles gift' by carlos castaneda.
he says that beauty is a curse.
i'll have to find the chapter and send it to you.
growing a child inside of this body and then nourishing it with this body have made me much gentler on myself....able to mentally and emotionally shrug and say, "It is what it is. And it actually is quite miraculous, regardless of those too-pudgy bits and these too-flat bits."
being cherished and found gorgeous by a man who loves my body also really helps. But I really did not believe him until I had Sophia.
also? love your body NOW because from what I hear, it only gets older and saggier from here on out! in 20 years you'd KILL for your lithe size 8 and 26 year old skin. lol
Thank you for posting this. Seriously. You reminded me where the mirror is--in the positive energy we release into the world (buying local, smiles, etc).
You're not beautiful, Katie. You're goregous. Thanks for letting me creep on your blog (-:
laura, i think what you said about having a child makes a lot of sense--a lot of the things i'm most proud of about myself are the things i give into the world, or nurture in others.
and hannah--i lurk on your blog too. :) i love that phrase, "the positive energy we release into the world." well said.
being alive, living authentically and confidence in myself. and i can throw in a nice smile here and there. Beauty isn't everything because i have learned that most ppl who are 'beautiful' are also materialistic and i want to be more than i a nice coach purse and lots of make-up. i am comfortable without that and the guys know what i really look like and i'm not some scary monster underneath all that powder, mascara and heavy heavy eyeliner ;-)
beauty is a curse- this is true. and i personally believe with ms. Hannah there, you ARE GORGEOUS! Those eyes of urs can kill someone too! and at least, i have had the wonderful delight in seeing your most exuberant personality.
Katie. remember when you wrote to me, a somewhat stranger, in africa? You told me in that letter that I was a beautiful human being. I still have the letter because it was the first time that had ever been said in that way. Seeing beauty-true beauty, is a sign of that gushing out beauty that you have. Oh I know those feelings though. I just read a book this weekend that said that people (girls and boys) who release those anxieties, become more creative! It's just one aspect of releasing those anxieties....but They said this was really found true because those same anxieties that keep you from loving yourself completely, keep you from being free to believe the things that you might create would even be good in any way. This makes so much sense to me! I struggled with shame-inducing eating disorder called bulimia for years. I just read that quote about creativity and eating disorders...and it's amazing that as I look back, I see exactly where I starting letting loose a little. I'm still a bit far from what I wish...but wow...it was a cool discovery for me recently. Anyway, I wish I was coming through lincoln and could hang out with you and Israel. It would be so fun. I admire all those things you listed that really you wish you could identify your beauty in. Have a good week! Love Emily
I feel beautiful when I share good things (esp. food) with people. I feel beautiful when I make people laugh. I feel beautiful when I sing and dance. I feel beautiful when the first thing a friend wants to do when I walk in a room is give me a huge hug. I feel beautiful when I create.
Thanks for giving me a chance to share what makes me feel beautiful. I never put it that way before, but it's helpful to see all these things written out.
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