stealing, stress, and stones.

it still always kind of startles me to realize that i sometimes have a pretty big problem with anxiety. i consider myself to be a pretty level-headed person, but sometimes i'm just a big, anxious wreck, for very little reason.

today i was walking by a storefront on my way to the knitting store. the store i passed, where i've stopped a few times before to purchase three rings and a necklace, was having a sort of sidewalk sale, with big tables of jewelry for sale, cheap, outside their door. the clerk couldn't see me from the doorway. as i browsed the tables, i remember thinking, "this woman's kind of creepy, i'm glad she can't see me so she won't come out and chat." i've never really liked her brand of overly-intrusive friendliness before.

as i walked away, my keys, which were attached to a ring on my purse, were clunking awkwardly against my leg, so i picked them up and shoved them inside my bag. a moment later, the clerk came out of the store and yelled at me down the hall, "ma'am! you stole that ring. you need to come back here and give me that ring." she shoved her palm out, upturned, for the stolen item.

but i hadn't taken anything. in fact, i had plenty of cash in my wallet, and all the rings were between $1 and $5--something i'd have easily spent on a pretty ring today--but i couldn't find anything on the tables that i would have worn even if they had been free. i think i may have stolen a small christmas tree magnet from a store when i was two or three, which my mother made me return, but the lesson stuck, and that is certainly the extent of my thievery.

"i didn't take anything from you," i told the woman. "you can search my bag. here, would you like to see my purse?" i held my bag out to her.

"no," the woman said, her voice still raised as i walked back toward her down the hallway. "i'm calling the police. the security guard saw you take that ring and put it in your purse. if you don't give it to me right now i'm calling the police."

"i put my KEYS in my purse. you're welcome to look through my bag. i didn't take anything," i told her again.

i went back and forth with the woman for several minutes, offering to take everything out of my bag in front of her, on the floor if need be, to prove to her that i hadn't taken anything. i told her that i'd shopped in her store before and i would never steal from her. finally, she went back, only turning her back half way so as to still keep an eye on me, and checked her ring trays. they were apparently all full.

"i think they're all here," she said. "i'm sorry, but he saw you put something in your purse."

my keys.

i never saw the security guard, who must have vanished into thin air. when i got back from making my purchases in the yarn store, the woman yelled to me from behind the counter. "you know if i'd seen who it was, i never would have believed him that you stole anything. i know you've been in before." (in the several minutes she accused me, she forgot to look at me?) i can't blame her for trying to win a customer back; i've never seen another person in that shop.

i didn't cross into the shop. "have a nice day," i said to her as i walked away.

my logical brain cannot win out in this one: i am sure i'll never set foot in the store again, especially since i didn't particularly like it in the first place.

but in the hour or so since then, i just can't seem to shake the anxiety that the incident brought on in me. for 15 minutes afterward, my hands shook a little. my tension just mounted and mounted, even though i was innocent. i was ruffled, to be sure, but i also don't like the idea of anyone thinking i was a thief.

i realized that if i were a different person, one who was seriously less chemical-averse, i probably would be game for some sort of anti-anxiety pill right now. i know that unless i take several proactive steps to counter the incident, that woman has likely left me unsteady for the entire day.

i went to open harvest to get a kombucha tea and try to recover. the store, the people, the kombucha, and the cashier (israel) are all good-energy-inducers for me. but i'm not feeling that much better. i think if iz comes over after work, i'll be fine. he's very calming for me when i'm feeling crazy.

but for now i'm going to take out the collection of crystals i bought at bodhi imports yesterday, research which ones are good for aligning the chakras and reducing anxiety, and lay in the middle of my floor and meditate. i think it will be this: citrine, to manifest person power and aid in processing life's experiences and discarding that which is only hindering progress; and kyanite, which is helpful in chakra balance, in dispelling anger and frustration, in facilitating mental clarity, and in dissolving confusions arising from emotional issues.