october is for hyperventilating.
i will write for therapy.
i will try to organize my mind here to try to bring my breathing and heart rate back to normal. i just had a full-blown panic attack. i've had anxiety before, but never accompanied by rapid and uncontrollable breathing and a racing heart. never with the inability to speak, with breathing so run-away that i get dizzy and fall onto the bed. crying attacks, i've had. hyperventilation? this is a first.
to any doctors, nurses, and therapists reading: please don't be overly concerned. i am writing for therapy.
i woke up with a headache and the rain outside made me feel like the world was ending.
my light keeps me alive and for the most part functional, but it doesn't heal me. it doesn't keep away the lethargy and the self-loathing. it does keep away the suicidal thoughts and most of the crying. at least we have that.
i can't fucking concentrate anymore. i can't clean my house because i get distracted if i stop to take a drink of water or put on chapstick. it takes me an hour to pick the clothes up off the floor of my room. an hour to shower and dress. an hour to do the dishes. i wander in circles, occasionally moving a sock from the floor to the bed, but stopping to notice in the mirror how lumpy i seem to look in all my clothes lately, or that there's a rust ring in the sink, or that my roots are starting to show, but where in hell am i going to find the energy to henna my hair between now and the holidays?
i want to find order in at least one little corner of my house or my brain or my life.
today i thought "maybe if i call in sick to work tonight i can have an evening to get myself 'together' and things will be okay." but of course, the girl who calls off from work for a headache and a panic attack is surely worthless. i've gotta find some kind of worth somewhere, and it sure isn't in my apartment, since i've been looking for it in here all day.
i miss flowers and green grass.
today i was knitting away on a pair of cool "twilight" mittens for my co-worker's daughter for christmas, and i had to switch from metal needles to bamboo. i had to switch because metal needles get sticky when my hands sweat. my hands sweat when i am nervous and lately i am always nervous so my hands are always sweaty. finally they got so sticky that i gave up. i'll have to finish later.
it's october.
i am afraid to call anyone to come be with me or help me because i am afraid that no one understands what it is like to be depressed, and if they know what a loser i am they will fire me or roll their eyes or think i'm dramatic or break up with me.
my breathing started to get out of control when i tried to breath a little faster and deeper to try to calm down and instead it just went crazy and i couldn't stop breathing faster and shorter and faster and then the world was spinning and i could feel my heart racing in my chest and my head was screaming "you have to stop this! you have to stop right now damnit! you have to chill out and stop!" but my mouth wouldn't make any noise.
on t.v. people in this situation take some sort of anti-anxiety pill but all i can do is pace in circles and try to drink some hot tea and write on this blog.
i've been worse. please don't worry.
5 comments:
i sometimes take an hour to pick clothes up off my floor--I totally get that, picking up one sock, then putting on chapstick....you described it so well.
my dad told me recently that "worry is a very unhealthy form of focus." I've been just worrying about things and so I can't put my head to any one thing....it's so annoying...but lists are helping me!
I know this isn't exactly what you are talking about, but I wanted you to know that you are so sweet katie. keep doing those things you do for others...you are so good at it. ~Emily
I don't think it's just you. this has been a strange week for people, including myself. I had a panic attack on tuesday night, while stressing about studying for a test. There is more than just that. I think it has something to do with the moon, and the insanity that starts to creep in during the month of october.
There's power in just putting it out there Katie. Thanks.
I don't think you're crazy. I think everyone who pretends they don't struggle is crazy. We're the sane ones, really.
I'm not worried. But I'm sorry you're feeling it today. It's been an off day for me to. Unable to think through one thought at a time, overwhelmed, under-heard, misunderstood, stuck in my head. You're not alone, you're just more honest.
The last two weeks have been... hellish. Maybe the moon, maybe the trees getting all bare, maybe the cloudiness... I don't know. It sucks. And this too shall pass. Keep doing the next right thing.
When you can, come and visit. And if Tropical Storm Ida is still here with her terrible low clouds and threatening weather, we will drive south south south until we hit sunshine, and then we will run on the beach and turn our faces up to the sun with our eyes closed so that we can almost see through our eyelids.
I admit: while Florida fall has been relatively awesome so far, I'm feeling it too. It might be inescapable. Which is, on one hand, depressing, and on the other hand, a comfort to know that it's just something I should count on and stop trying to escape.
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