Kharma, Character, Willpower, and Beautiful Things

Today I ran into an old, old friend, whom I never see these days, not once but twice. The second time, I said to him, "Wow, I've seen you twice in one day!" and he replied, "Yup, the gods have smiled on us," in a semi-sarcastic tone that I couldn't quite figure out what to do with. So I moved on and said cheerfully, "Kharma, whatd'ya know! She smiles on us." And he rather snapped, "Kharma's got nothing to do with it." (Yes, I recognize the potential of animosity in this conversation. I'm choosing to ignore it. I'm dwelling on the positive. Besides, this particular buddy of mine is sometimes unexplainably grumpy.)

Clearly, he doesn't believe in kharma. But I totally do. Good things that happen to you because you've done something good for someone else? I buy that.

Do you think that motivating yourself to do things you don't like to do is a good character trait?

I was pondering this today whilst attempting to force myself to go to my least favorite class. It's boring, meaningless, pointless, and long. There are only nine students in it, and it's taught "in the round" so it's virtually impossible to disengage oneself without being noticed. In other words, I can't even doodle without the teacher's notice. Three of my four classes are this way this semester, but this one is mind-numbingly boring and absolutely irrelevant to real life. It's right after lunch, and I only have 30 minutes for lunchtime, so if I've finished eating by class time, I'm just about ready for a nap. All the odds are against me even remotely wanting to get out the door and go to class.

I'm not very good at forcing myself to do things I really don't want to do. I can usually find some reason to justify not doing them. For instance, I hate to vacuum. I don't like to do most things that involve loud, continuous noise--grinding coffee or shredding papers, for example. I haven't vacuumed my apartment in a very long time, and right now it's really starting to get to me. So I recently set myself a very reasonable deadline. I have a friend staying with me right now, and some of his things are on the floor. So, I told myself, instead of moving his things, I'll vacuum as soon as he leaves. That was a week and a half ago. I made this deal with myself knowing full well that my friend is unpredictable and free-spirited. He'll leave when he wants to. It could be January by the time he wants to. Thus, it could be January before I have to vacuum.

When it comes to class, I have my methods of making myself tolerate going. My Monday morning class is easy enough: Keri's there, and I like giggling under my breath with her at the boy who sits in front of us and falls asleep, his head lolling back so far that it hits her notebook and papercuts him awake. My Tuesday classes are harder. I go to French because if I don't, I will fail. Also, I like Osa, my Swedish French teacher. The next two are harder, so I always take a mug of hot tea with me as my "reward" for going to class. I listen to Deb Talan, the Weepies, Alanis Morisette, or the Once soundtrack on the way to those classes too. Everything's easier with better-than-it-oughta-be music. But sometimes I still cave. Last week I skipped a class for the first time since I've been un-depressed. Instead of going to class, I took a nap. On the other hand, I have virtually no trouble making myself go to work, most days.

So is it a sign of bad character that I have such trouble making myself vacuum my house and go to silly classes? You know, do I have an unhealthy level of self-discipline or something?

Today I used every method of putting off going to school I possibly could, including making Greg lunch in a record-breakingly small amount of time, before finally wandering in late to that least-favorite class. I sucked it up. I used every bit of my mental willpower to walk out the door, mug of tea in hand, Deb singing sweetly in my ears. As I walked up the Dick Building steps (yup, it's really called that, for you out-of-towners) I suddenly thought, "I wonder if we have class?" (Even though that class has never, to my memory, been canceled.) And the next moment, a guy in my class walked out of the doors and proclaimed, "Class is canceled! The teacher is sick!" My ESP in action.

Now you'd think I'd want to use my time wisely and go "etudier le livre Francaise," or catch a couple of extra hours at work, or catch up on my dismally-behind reading for my lit class, right? Wrong. My first inclination was to do something beautiful. I wanted to paint, or write, or bake, or read, or listen to mind-achingly good music. I had the sudden urge to make my special "Damn Good Muffins" recipe and share them around the apartment complex, or decorate my porch with sidewalk chalk, or do something wonderful with myself.

That's why I'm a believer. I think karma got me out of class today. I think it knew that my natural inclination would be to do something beautiful with my free time, and that I would ignore the nagging "go ye therefore and study, sucka!" voice in my head. Thus I think it's okay that I'm not very good at forcing myself to do things I don't want to do. What I do want to do is nearly always create beauty, joy, and love in the world.

In the space of one canceled class, I lit bunches of candles, wrote this blog, and am about to bake something yummy to share with the people at work. Thanks, karma.