a good start.

I'm working on a "2008" blog post. It's categorized by month. I'm going through my journals and old blog posts to remember what happened last year. It's good. I like the remembering, and I like looking back and recognizing the changes that have taken place in me over a year. I think I am better now than I was a year ago. It's very good.

I have a secret blog that only about five people read. I don't write on it very much. I've become more honest on this blog instead. I made the other one because I wanted to be able to say certain strong words and talk about alcohol and write twisty stories without any backlash from people who read this blog, and without hurting my family.

I'm writing my "2008" post and I keep copying and pasting it back and forth between my two blogs. It is unlike me to be so secretive. I am proud of myself because I think I am an honest and open and transparent person. I don't hide things because I like who I am and I don't feel shame or regret over my actions or my identity. I'm torn, today, because I want to set a precedent for myself, a precedent for honesty--for no more secret blogs.

I don't know if I can say "fuck" or admit to being drunk or talk about sex on this blog because I'm afraid it will distance me further from my family, who I love, but who are very afraid for me because of how I live now.

I don't know if I can say that I don't really believe in Jesus on this blog because my former pastors and teachers read it and I hate to disappoint people that I love, who have given me good things and helped me to become who I am.

It's fear, and I don't believe in living in fear. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that the people I love won't see me--won't see pretty, generous, honest, joyful, life-filled me--amidst the actions and ideas they think are very wrong.

I'm proud of admitting those things just now but I don't know if I can talk about them in-depth here yet. I'm becoming gradually more and more honest here. I want 2009 to be a very real and transparent and honest and whole year for me. Posting my 2008 list on a secret blog doesn't start me off very well.

My 2008 list is honest and real and celebratory. I think it's important. I don't want it to fizzle off in April (that's where I am so far) just because I can't decide where to post it.

I'm going to finish it now, in an e-mail draft. If you want to read about my 2008, e-mail me at carlykatleson@gmail.com. I will send it to you, unedited, whether you are a stranger or my grandma. It will be a brave thing for me to do. It will feel more like a conversation. You will feel like you can talk to me about it if you want to. I will feel like I have been honest, but only with the people who want me to be.

It will be a good way to start the new year.