the road
i am reading a book called "the road" by cormack mccarthy. i feel like if i survive this book i will become immortal and never die. this books makes me feel like the world in its pages: desolate and dead and burned and ashen and hopeless. i haven't slept deeply or for very long since i began reading it. but i can't put it down. today i found one beautiful line in it. maybe i will find another.
yesterday i cried so much that i felt hung over--my body ached and my head hurt and the pressure in my eyes was so strong that i had trouble focusing them. i was dehydrated beyond belief from crying.
last night my roommate dreamt that i committed suicide. she was angry at me for killing myself. i said, "don't tell me about those dreams. i believe in dreams. that's a scary dream." i told her that i would never kill myself in our house because i wouldn't want her to have to find me.
today i woke up very early. i texted my co-worker melissa, "do you have your computer at work?" and she said, "yes. come use it. come here. this is a safe place." so i went to work early and used the computer and listened to music and talked to my best friend online and laughed and felt safe. yesterday i was at work for all of our open hours except two. today i have been at work for all of our open hours except three. it is not because i am working all those times. it is because i am safe and loved here.
today when i woke up very early i was surprised to be feeling so okay. i was surprised to be strong inside. i said to myself, "today i have two goals. today i will take care of myself, and i will give as many good things to other people as i can." the past few days have exhausted me. i have experienced things that hurt me very deeply. i have felt like i am in the burned and deserted world of "the road."
but i am safe, and i am okay. i am not dead and i am not depressed. i am not drowned yet and i am taking care of myself and of other people too.
4 comments:
for everything which is natural
which is infinite
which is yes
carry the fire.
I bought this book over the summer (actually maybe it was the summer before) cause I wanted to read it, but it is still sitting on my bookshelf. Every time I finish a book and go in to the office to pick what to read next I pick it up, and then set it back on the shelf. I can't bring myself to read it. For some of the same reasons you posted. The feelings that it brings up, the reaction your whole body has to it. I think it falls under the category of Books that Haunt and I'm not sure I'm ready for another one of those. The Kite Runner was like that for me, as well as A Sunday at the Kigali Pool (it might be something different, I read it in French and that is the direct translation of the title).
i read the kite runner too, but oh my god, this book was worse.
i still recommend it though.
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